collegethoughts

It has recently come to my attention that I know too many Christophers.  I have decided that I refuse to meet any more.  The next time a Chris tries to introduce himself to me, I’m just going to look at him and walk away.  If we’re in the middle of a handshake, I’ll jerk my hand right out of his slimy generic clutch.            “Hi, I’m Chris—”            “Whoa,” (The last word he’ll hear from me as I walk away)            No more Christophers?  And if it’s your new girlfriend’s brother?  We’re at Biola.  The only person I would make an exception for is Christopher Walken because he is a god.  And even while I’ll add Mr. Walken my Chris List, I’m kicking another one off.  I’ll choose the Chris with the squiniest eyes or worst hangnails; ignore him, delete him from facebook, and remove him from my phone book.  Which reminds me—I’m always trying to call my brother Chris and dialing the wrong Chris by accident.  While I am always up for a good awkward situation, I prefer to be in control of these.  (Yes, the phonebook problem ostensibly could be solved by including last names when I put them in, but even when properly labeled, accidents happen.)

I understand the occasional obligation of naming your kid a family name, and if it’s necessary, fine.  But really, if there’s no wealthy relation to name him after, why choose something so common?

Why not use an original name—like Trafalgar?  Or Donnatello? (actually any of the ninja turtle names are ideal.  The Transformers too).  Or creatively combine first and last names.  I know of a girl named—and I’m not kidding here—Miranda Ruth Flower-bird Wessellalmon.  (Don’t forget the hyphen in ‘Flower-bird’).  Imagine how much more interesting her existence is—how many enthralling hours of conversation have been added to her life as she explains the rarity that is her name.  No existential crises’ arising from that name.   

But Siobhan, you’re just bitter because you could never find a magnet or bookmark with your name on it at the bookstore.  You’re tired of being called Cinnabon, Chevron, Shake-your-bon-bon and Shablonde.  You want everyone to be cursed with an obscure Gaelic name that comes up on the spellchecker as “soybean.”  This is not true.  I’m advocating orignal names, not Irish names.  Mostly though, I’m advocating naming your child anything but Chris.

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